It is a day before an exam day. As usual I am feeling very disgusted. I know examination is a necessary step to evaluate, yet I do hate to sit for exams. Does not matter whether my preparation is good, or bad, I feel always the worst about it.
I can remember when I was a kid, my mom used to say that I always took exam very easily, and frankly. She always expected some seriousness from me. Disappointing her, I was always a laid back regarding the exams. I used to go to school laughing, and I used to come out laughing no matter how my exam went! In fact, even in my teens I was the same fearless about my exams. But, even then I used to abhor the exam. Just I was fearless, and careless about it … that is it. To my utter misfortune, I have grown a tension regarding examinations lately. I do not know when it has started exactly. I go mad during exam days. The madness, or phobia is not about failing the exams, but about the actions I have to go through, or execute for an exam. The thought of revision, or studying for exam, meeting friends at exam hall, writing down the answers give me goosebumps. So, instead of studying, I spend my days before exam mostly crying, and mostly trying to avoid the frustration. The frequency of reading other books – especially fictions, listening music, writing stuffs (like, right now I am blogging), and watching TV increase a lot … just to make myself calm. At the end of the day, when I feel me okay, and calm enough to start my study, I discover that little time is left, and I go mad, and panicked again. What a vicious cycle! And I hate my panicky me, as much as I hate the exams. Ugh!
I know I am childish about exams. Half of my fear is completely needless. Yet, I cannot stop it! As I cannot stop it, right now comforting myself feeding this proverb: Before there can be courage, there has to be fear.
… … … (???)
Meh! Did not work!
Now, I really have to stop being funny and panicky, and got to go for study! (wow! Courage has come to me finally! phew!)